How Does Your Relationship with In-Laws Change After Losing Your Spouse?

How does your relationship with your in-laws change after losing your spouse? There is no standard answer, because perhaps it's different for everybody. It depends so much on how close your relationship to them was when your spouse was alive.

The day my wife passed away, my in-laws immediately told me they loved me, and didn't want anything to change between us. They thanked me for always being there and taking care of my wife, and said they will always consider me family. I guess I'm very lucky in that regard, as I've read of others having different experiences and feelings about this.

Some may feel as though their ties to her family end after her death, but I was married for over 20 years, and I love her family. I've spent many holidays and other occasions with them over the years. Why should that change? For me, to cut them off would mean that they were never really important to me. They were important to her, so that's the only tie we have. That may be the connection at the beginning of the relationship, but that's not where I am today.

They lost their daughter and sister, just as I lost my wife, and my kids lost their mother. They have experienced deep pain through this overwhelming loss, similar to what I have experienced. It seems fitting to me that we still have something enormous to have a bond over. We'll continue to laugh together, cry together, and share important moments together as long as we can. As I said earlier, they're family.

If the time comes that I start dating, I'll re-evaluate things again at that time. My mother-in-law has already given me her blessing to do whatever I feel I need to do to best take care of myself and my children. Yes, I am lucky in that regard.

No matter what happens, please don't give up.

Anthony

When the Support Slows Down

Perhaps one of the most difficult periods in the grieving process, is roughly 3-6 months following loss. All the texts, calls, and other positive support begins to slow down. People in our lives return to their normal daily routines, but not us. We have to figure out how to establish new daily norms and routines in our lives. The world looks and feels so different now to us, but we must keep moving forward.

I believe this period is critical to our well being. Based on my on experience, it's important to establish daily routines that point us in a healthy direction. It would be so easy to fall into destructive patterns, and it would be easy to take advantage of the fact that our friends and family members are less likely to call us on it during this time. They know that we're in pain, and they don't want to do anything to make it worse. 

But don't do it. You're already having to live with this huge hole in your heart, don't add new regrets on top of it.

For me, I still have my boys at home to take care of. My mission was to be strong for them, learn how to manage the house, and ensure that their needs were met in every way. It wasn't that I knew nothing of these things, but that doesn't mean I was always the one doing them, right? Lisa cooked the far majority of our meals, she did the far majority of the laundry, she did most of the cleaning in our home. And that's not even mentioning grocery shopping, helping the kids with homework, etc. I already knew how to do all those tasks(at least somewhat), but learning when to do them to keep the environment running smoothly is another thing. But I felt that was important for me and for my children. 

I would also suggest having people around you is important. To isolate yourself is a tempting, but huge mistake. When we spend too much time alone during periods of intense grief, our mind can play tricks on us. Things can become less clear. Things we hold important can seem unimportant. We can easily convince ourselves that nobody cares about us. That's a lie. Don't fall victim to it.

I'm fortunate to have a loving church family, that consistently ask me what my needs are. A group such as this is invaluable. Wherever you find support, be careful to maintain your end of those relationships by always being reasonable, being careful not to take advantage of anyones sympathy.

Be encouraged, your life is not over. It may look different now, but it's not over. It's a new chapter.

Not matter what, never give up.

Anthony