Learning to Be Alone After Loss

Sitting in an empty room feels different after this huge loss. Everything feels different, but being alone especially does to me.

I have two children at home most of the time. They are generally off in their own spaces, doing their own thing. I find myself too often sitting alone in my living room.

I turn the TV on, but I can't really watch it. My mind is jumping around from one thing to the next too much to focus and concentrate on a television program.

Knowing this feeling so well for the past two years, makes me really feel for the older generation who live alone. I've always assumed they feel extremely lonely after their spouse dies, but now I have a more personal knowledge how they must feel.

This Helps

It helps me to not sit still for too long. Although I love the idea of being able to sit and read, it just isn't working for me right now.

I've found that cleaning, straightening, and organizing helps me. I think more clearly when I'm busy, and the stuff needs to be done anyway. 

Household chores never seem to stop. So far, that's been my solution for coping with being alone.

I'm not alone all the time. When we can work around current concerns with the pandemic, I still go to church regularly. I spend time with my children and other family.

A New Relationship?

One day, I hope to find love again.

At first, I couldn't imagine being with anyone else, and loving somebody else. But time is changing how I think about this. 

People have needs. And I'm not talking only about the physical. I have a need to be loved, and cared for. I have a need to be wanted. I have a need to give love, and to take care of someone. I have a need to look forward to coming home to someone I love. I can admit that, without sounding un-masculine.

I'm moving very slowly concerning this for a reason. I don't want to try and use a woman to fill my loneliness. I think having someone would help, but I don't want to go into a relationship with the wrong motives.

I can only wait and see what the future holds. I suppose all of us have to do that.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

I Can't Stand the Phrase 'New Normal'

How many times have you heard someone say the words 'new normal' in relation to the COVID pandemic? I've heard it a lot. And I don't like it.

Part of the reason I don't like it is because it seems as if it's accepting the thought that we may be wearing masks every time we're in public from now on. I don't want to live like that. So, I'm not going to say things that support it. I know, crazy, huh?

Anyway, there's another reason I don't like it. That's because since I've faced losing my significant other, I've had to adapt to a new normal. If you're reading this, chances are that you have too. And you know exactly where I'm coming from.

My New Normal

What does that term mean to me? New normal is a broad term to me. It means not seeing her beautiful face every day. It means not hearing her beautiful voice. It means not having her to build me up and help me believe in myself. 

It means going to bed and waking up alone. It means washing my own clothes. It means cooking. It means helping the kids with their homework. It means grocery shopping. It means cleaning the house. It means trying to do the things that she always took care of, and I never had to think about.

It means facing a future that I can't even dream about. A future, when I currently can't imagine past tomorrow.

Embracing Reality

As difficult as it is, I've come to the part in this journey where I have to take a few steps forward. I have to stop looking at everything in the context of how much different it would be if she were still here.

I have to try and accept the fact that I may be alone the rest of my life. I truly miss my wife for who she was, but I also miss her companionship. I miss her affection. I miss her smile and her laugh.

It's hard to wrap my mind around the possibility of living 3 or 4 more decades, and being alone. It's a lonely feeling for sure.

So yes, life has become a new kind of normal for me, and not by choice. That's why I can't stand the phrase.

I know there are other men out there going through what I'm going through. I don't know how many may have found their way to this website. If you're reading this, I wish you the best. It's my sincere hope that something I write on this site will be helpful to someone.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

Being Alone Sucks and So Does Pity

Warning: this is a bit of a rant. Next month will be the 2 year mark for me, since losing Lisa. I haven't been on a date, and I'm not sure what I want in those terms. But I can tell you this, being alone sucks. 

Being around others who are married is just a reminder of what I once had. Going anywhere with a couple, automatically puts me in the role of 3rd wheel. And the pity. Oh, the pity is another thing. Everyone means well, and are trying to be sensitive, but I can feel their pity for me. As appreciative as I am, it's bad energy. 

Even those happy moments in my children's lives are bitter sweet. No matter the joy I feel for them, every event has a cloud over head. I think "too bad she's not here to see this", or "she would be so proud of him". Everything in my life at this point is underneath that cloud. No matter how wonderful, or how mundane.

What really sucks, is laying in bed at night alone. Just a pillow where she used to lay. 

I'm not to the point I'm able to dream of the future. All those past dreams and plans, are extremely distant. Completely foreign now. I have no desire for the things I once wanted. The whole point was to do those things with her. Without her here, I'm not sure what I want. I do know I want to move forward, whatever that means. Not "move on", but "move forward". In my mind there's a difference. 

I think for me, moving forward means understanding that Lisa's life was exactly what it was supposed to be. She spent the time here that was meant for her to spend. It feels to me like she was robbed of time, but maybe that was her story all along. That's hard to imagine, but it's the only thing that I can wrap my mind around. I'm thankful I had many years to share with her. Now, I'm gonna climb up from my one man pity party and get stuff done. I'll choose to set my mind on productive things. I'll push away the negative thoughts that try to creep in, and attack my confidence. I must maintain a sense of purpose.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony