I Can't Stand the Phrase 'New Normal'

How many times have you heard someone say the words 'new normal' in relation to the COVID pandemic? I've heard it a lot. And I don't like it.

Part of the reason I don't like it is because it seems as if it's accepting the thought that we may be wearing masks every time we're in public from now on. I don't want to live like that. So, I'm not going to say things that support it. I know, crazy, huh?

Anyway, there's another reason I don't like it. That's because since I've faced losing my significant other, I've had to adapt to a new normal. If you're reading this, chances are that you have too. And you know exactly where I'm coming from.

My New Normal

What does that term mean to me? New normal is a broad term to me. It means not seeing her beautiful face every day. It means not hearing her beautiful voice. It means not having her to build me up and help me believe in myself. 

It means going to bed and waking up alone. It means washing my own clothes. It means cooking. It means helping the kids with their homework. It means grocery shopping. It means cleaning the house. It means trying to do the things that she always took care of, and I never had to think about.

It means facing a future that I can't even dream about. A future, when I currently can't imagine past tomorrow.

Embracing Reality

As difficult as it is, I've come to the part in this journey where I have to take a few steps forward. I have to stop looking at everything in the context of how much different it would be if she were still here.

I have to try and accept the fact that I may be alone the rest of my life. I truly miss my wife for who she was, but I also miss her companionship. I miss her affection. I miss her smile and her laugh.

It's hard to wrap my mind around the possibility of living 3 or 4 more decades, and being alone. It's a lonely feeling for sure.

So yes, life has become a new kind of normal for me, and not by choice. That's why I can't stand the phrase.

I know there are other men out there going through what I'm going through. I don't know how many may have found their way to this website. If you're reading this, I wish you the best. It's my sincere hope that something I write on this site will be helpful to someone.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

How and When to Part with Her Clothes and Jewelry

How and when should I part with my late wife's things, especially her clothes and jewelry? 

Let me start by saying this is much harder for some men, than it is for others. This is a very difficult thing for me.

Some have told me along the way, that if I pass those things on to someone who can use them, I'll be helping others as well as helping myself to move forward and feel better.

I wish it were that easy. Two years later, I still have all of her clothes and jewelry. After the first couple of months, I did move them out of my bedroom closet, and put them out of my daily view. 

Let the Process Take Place

Some widow's and widower's try to do this right away. However, other's believe that this can be a mistake. Some of us feel completely numb after losing our spouse, and while we may feel like getting those possessions out of the way is good, we can experience regret once our emotions start to calm and the dust has begun to settle.

I found looking at her clothes, and smelling them, and touching them to be calming for a time. I could still smell here perfume on her jacket. While that sounds sad on one hand, I was sure thankful for it at the time.

When I moved them out of the bedroom closet, I stored her shoes and sweaters in plastic storage bins. I have her hanging clothes in another closet in my home. Although a couple years have passed, I still consider this a temporary solution.

A Deeper Look

Here's my take: Holding on to these things for a time is normal and healthy. We as men know that the time will come when we must say goodbye, so that we can move into our next phase of life. Only we can decide when that time is. Personally, I'll not let other people decide that for me.

When the time comes to see another woman and try dating, that seems like a good clue that the time to part with these items has come.

Other people will just have to understand that this is a psychological process we're going through. There are few things, if any, that can change our lives to the degree of losing our soulmate. I've mentioned it in an earlier post, but our minds have to come to terms with this huge change, and it can trick us in many ways. Guilt and regret can wiggle their way in if we let them. We must keep our minds on positive things.

I know it's not easy. I know this, because it's not easy for me either. I think we just have to be careful that we're grieving in a way that's healthy and non-destructive. When our wives passed away, we didn't initially have any control over how we grieved. But the time comes when we have to decide if we'll do our best to find happiness and satisfaction under this cloud of loss, or if we'll let it completely engulf us.

Conclusion

I loved my wife more than life itself. There's no question about that. I don't want to use her death to justify me laying down and letting grief steal the remainder of my life. Although I can't always feel it, I have other things to live for. Good things. I have two sons who need me now more than they ever did. I will move forward and be the best dad that I can.

Please gentlemen, no matter what, don't give up,

Anthony

Guilt Is a Tricky Thing

Something I've experienced, and I believe to be common when losing a spouse, is feeling guilty about everything you do or feel. Guilt is a tricky thing.

My oldest son had a birthday six days after my wife passed away. I remember feeling guilty when we were with family and having cake. I caught myself smiling, and celebrating my son. From out of nowhere, guilt moved in. How could I be smiling? How dare I? She's gone, and if I'm already smiling, I must not have loved her as much as I thought I did!

This is a trick your mind will play on you. It will make you feel disgusted at yourself. And moments of happiness are not the only thing that will bring on a heavy load of guilt. Moving forward in any way can make you feel guilty and unsure if what you're doing is right.

I remember feeling guilty over many things. For instance, almost a year into our loss, I decided to move to a different house, with the encouragement of my extended family. This move brought us much closer to my parents and other family who would be able to help me get the boys where they needed to be, and it put the boys in what I believe to be a better school district. Although I never heard a negative word spoken about this move from anyone, I felt very guilty. I felt like if my wife knew what I was doing, I would be ashamed. The guilt was not so much about the house we were moving to, but more about the one we were leaving behind. It was the house where we lived the majority of our married life. It was the only house my children had ever lived in. My mind was telling me that I was leaving all those memories behind.

Basically, anytime I experienced happy moments, or did anything good for myself or my children, guilt followed, because she was not getting to experience these things with us. 

This is completely irrational. I don't believe my mind was trying to trick me. I think the mind, after experiencing such a traumatic event, is trying to compute it's response. It's trying to grab ahold of anything that will be congruent with it's wounds. It's looking for justification. I felt guilty for wanting to live a long life and watch my kids grow up, when she didn't have the chance. My mind was telling me that we were leaving her behind, when in reality, we're the ones left behind. Not to get overly spiritual, she finished her time here on this earth. We are left behind to finish ours.

If I had only done things that didn't give me any pause, I would've never left the house. I couldn't enjoy anything on tv, I couldn't engage in any enjoyable activity. I had to realize that it was all in relation to the trauma of loss. 

As time has gone on, the guilty feelings have faded. Not that they're gone, but they're more in the background now. If you're experiencing these guilty feelings, realize that it's just your minds way of working things out. I'm not suggestng that nothing should ever make you feel guilty, but I'm talking about things like smiling, laughing, enjoyment of anything. You must hang on, and trust that things will become more clear after a little time passes. Time may not heal your wounds, but your days will get easier to get through.

Whatever you do, hang in there and don't give up.

Anthony

When the Support Slows Down

Perhaps one of the most difficult periods in the grieving process, is roughly 3-6 months following loss. All the texts, calls, and other positive support begins to slow down. People in our lives return to their normal daily routines, but not us. We have to figure out how to establish new daily norms and routines in our lives. The world looks and feels so different now to us, but we must keep moving forward.

I believe this period is critical to our well being. Based on my on experience, it's important to establish daily routines that point us in a healthy direction. It would be so easy to fall into destructive patterns, and it would be easy to take advantage of the fact that our friends and family members are less likely to call us on it during this time. They know that we're in pain, and they don't want to do anything to make it worse. 

But don't do it. You're already having to live with this huge hole in your heart, don't add new regrets on top of it.

For me, I still have my boys at home to take care of. My mission was to be strong for them, learn how to manage the house, and ensure that their needs were met in every way. It wasn't that I knew nothing of these things, but that doesn't mean I was always the one doing them, right? Lisa cooked the far majority of our meals, she did the far majority of the laundry, she did most of the cleaning in our home. And that's not even mentioning grocery shopping, helping the kids with homework, etc. I already knew how to do all those tasks(at least somewhat), but learning when to do them to keep the environment running smoothly is another thing. But I felt that was important for me and for my children. 

I would also suggest having people around you is important. To isolate yourself is a tempting, but huge mistake. When we spend too much time alone during periods of intense grief, our mind can play tricks on us. Things can become less clear. Things we hold important can seem unimportant. We can easily convince ourselves that nobody cares about us. That's a lie. Don't fall victim to it.

I'm fortunate to have a loving church family, that consistently ask me what my needs are. A group such as this is invaluable. Wherever you find support, be careful to maintain your end of those relationships by always being reasonable, being careful not to take advantage of anyones sympathy.

Be encouraged, your life is not over. It may look different now, but it's not over. It's a new chapter.

Not matter what, never give up.

Anthony