Learning to Be Alone After Loss

Sitting in an empty room feels different after this huge loss. Everything feels different, but being alone especially does to me.

I have two children at home most of the time. They are generally off in their own spaces, doing their own thing. I find myself too often sitting alone in my living room.

I turn the TV on, but I can't really watch it. My mind is jumping around from one thing to the next too much to focus and concentrate on a television program.

Knowing this feeling so well for the past two years, makes me really feel for the older generation who live alone. I've always assumed they feel extremely lonely after their spouse dies, but now I have a more personal knowledge how they must feel.

This Helps

It helps me to not sit still for too long. Although I love the idea of being able to sit and read, it just isn't working for me right now.

I've found that cleaning, straightening, and organizing helps me. I think more clearly when I'm busy, and the stuff needs to be done anyway. 

Household chores never seem to stop. So far, that's been my solution for coping with being alone.

I'm not alone all the time. When we can work around current concerns with the pandemic, I still go to church regularly. I spend time with my children and other family.

A New Relationship?

One day, I hope to find love again.

At first, I couldn't imagine being with anyone else, and loving somebody else. But time is changing how I think about this. 

People have needs. And I'm not talking only about the physical. I have a need to be loved, and cared for. I have a need to be wanted. I have a need to give love, and to take care of someone. I have a need to look forward to coming home to someone I love. I can admit that, without sounding un-masculine.

I'm moving very slowly concerning this for a reason. I don't want to try and use a woman to fill my loneliness. I think having someone would help, but I don't want to go into a relationship with the wrong motives.

I can only wait and see what the future holds. I suppose all of us have to do that.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

Dreaming Her Presence | Waking Up to Reality

Sometimes our dreams are extremely vivid and life-like, while at other times they're not even memorable. Experiencing her presence in your dreams can be wonderful, while waking up to the reality that she's gone is not. 

I've had a number of these dreams. I have dreamt of us on vacation with our kids, and it seemed SO real. 

The sight, sound, and emotion was as if I were physically there. I could literally hear her voice, using phrases she often used when speaking. In those moments, I experience what feels like true rest and comfort.

Am I the Only One?

Have you ever had those dreams? Where you wake up feeling that what you dreamed really happened? 

As adults, we generally don't discuss what we dream about.. But these dreams can almost give us the feeling that we have had another experience with our loved one. While we know it's not real, we sometimes long to go back to sleep and re-enter that dream, right where we left off. It's as if it puts us in a state of euphoria.

Waking up from such dreams can spark our emotions. I have woke from this type of dream, feeling stunned, realizing that my beautiful wife is gone. It's almost as if I've just learned this truth for the first time, and in the moment, feel complete horror. 

I have also woken knowing the reality, wishing and hoping it was all a bad dream.

The Re-Shaping of Our Subconscious

I've spent time thinking about this, and believe this is part of our subconscious mind's process. I think we have to realize that our mind has to work things out and adjust to the deep sadness we feel, and the traumatic experience of loss. 

Although we know the truth, and accept it as the truth on the surface, our subconscious still has to reshape and adjust. 

Embracing Our Dreams

We already know that our dreams don't represent reality. They may represent what we wish was reality, at times? When reality, emotion, and our desire for how we wish things were are mixed together in our dreams, anything can happen. Especially because of our emotions, which are up and down like a roller-coaster.

Personally, I look forward to these dreams. Even though waking up can bring sadness, the joy of the experience makes it worth it for me. I'm willing to feel the sadness when I wake up, if I can hear her voice again, even if it's only in my head. 

I feel as if my memories of the smallest details are brought to the surface.  I know these dreams probably won't last forever. As time has passed, they've become less frequent. I cherish every memory, as I'm sure you do as well. 

You're Not Alone

Be encouraged. Embrace your memories, both the wonderful, and the not so great ones. Focus on the wonderful ones. Know that even though you may feel lonely, you're not alone. There are others going through it too. It's not easy, but you've got to keep looking forward.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

What's the Correct Way to Respond to Loss?

What is the correct way to respond to loss after losing your soul mate?

I'll speak from experience and say that in that time, there's no deciding how to respond. The response that comes is the only one.

I remember seeing a couple I know in town one day only months after losing my wife. They are a generation older than me, and their marriage to each other is their second marriages because they both lost their first spouses years before. They asked me how I was making it? I still don't know how to answer that question. But, I told them I was doing ok, and that I was keeping myself busy. I shared that I didn't think it would probably be good for me to lock myself away and draw the shades. Their response really made me think. They said, you just have to do what you can, because it's different for everybody. 

That made a lot of sense to me. We're all different people. Why in the world would we be expected to respond to such a life altering event in some certain way? I have enough on my mind, that other's expectations of me are not at play here.

Not only did it make sense, but I truly appreciated hearing that. It gave me a new way of thinking about loss. I knew I had to be stable to take care of my children. Life is continuing on, so I've got to be able to continue managing my life. But aside from those things, I get to call the shots here.

Now a time comes, that we must put things in their proper perspective for our own mental health. That's a whole other subject that I'll discuss at a later date. 

If you've recently lost her, I want to encourage you to hang in there. It's been almost two years since my wife passed away, and in some ways it still seems like it was last week. In other ways, I'm able to put the pain and longing aside and feel grateful for those years that we spent together. I realize that I don't have to be bitter. Bitterness will only make our lives worse. Through bitterness, the only person we punish is ourselves. So be encouraged, because as bad as things are, you will learn to deal with it better as time passes. Time does not heal all wounds, but time affords us the ability to work out how to live with those wounds.

No matter what, never give up.

Anthony