Guilt Is a Tricky Thing

Something I've experienced, and I believe to be common when losing a spouse, is feeling guilty about everything you do or feel. Guilt is a tricky thing.

My oldest son had a birthday six days after my wife passed away. I remember feeling guilty when we were with family and having cake. I caught myself smiling, and celebrating my son. From out of nowhere, guilt moved in. How could I be smiling? How dare I? She's gone, and if I'm already smiling, I must not have loved her as much as I thought I did!

This is a trick your mind will play on you. It will make you feel disgusted at yourself. And moments of happiness are not the only thing that will bring on a heavy load of guilt. Moving forward in any way can make you feel guilty and unsure if what you're doing is right.

I remember feeling guilty over many things. For instance, almost a year into our loss, I decided to move to a different house, with the encouragement of my extended family. This move brought us much closer to my parents and other family who would be able to help me get the boys where they needed to be, and it put the boys in what I believe to be a better school district. Although I never heard a negative word spoken about this move from anyone, I felt very guilty. I felt like if my wife knew what I was doing, I would be ashamed. The guilt was not so much about the house we were moving to, but more about the one we were leaving behind. It was the house where we lived the majority of our married life. It was the only house my children had ever lived in. My mind was telling me that I was leaving all those memories behind.

Basically, anytime I experienced happy moments, or did anything good for myself or my children, guilt followed, because she was not getting to experience these things with us. 

This is completely irrational. I don't believe my mind was trying to trick me. I think the mind, after experiencing such a traumatic event, is trying to compute it's response. It's trying to grab ahold of anything that will be congruent with it's wounds. It's looking for justification. I felt guilty for wanting to live a long life and watch my kids grow up, when she didn't have the chance. My mind was telling me that we were leaving her behind, when in reality, we're the ones left behind. Not to get overly spiritual, she finished her time here on this earth. We are left behind to finish ours.

If I had only done things that didn't give me any pause, I would've never left the house. I couldn't enjoy anything on tv, I couldn't engage in any enjoyable activity. I had to realize that it was all in relation to the trauma of loss. 

As time has gone on, the guilty feelings have faded. Not that they're gone, but they're more in the background now. If you're experiencing these guilty feelings, realize that it's just your minds way of working things out. I'm not suggestng that nothing should ever make you feel guilty, but I'm talking about things like smiling, laughing, enjoyment of anything. You must hang on, and trust that things will become more clear after a little time passes. Time may not heal your wounds, but your days will get easier to get through.

Whatever you do, hang in there and don't give up.

Anthony

Today has Been Two Years

Lillies were Lisa's favorite flower.

Today has been two years since Lisa left this world, and my boys and I have done our best to pick up the pieces and carry on. 

Just the fact that life doesn't slow down for these times of reflection, is sad in and of itself. I think of all the other men and women who've lost their significant other, and realize for so long I was on the other side of the equation. After the initial acknowledgement that someone dies, we generally just carry on with life. What else would we do? It's really our only choice.

I've felt this day coming for the past few weeks. To be honest, I keep track of how many months it's been every time the 21st of the month rolls around. Today just happens to be #24. She died the day before Thanksgiving. I'm writing this blog to offer support to others, and yet there are a number of unresolved issues in my own journey through this nightmare.

My God, how I loved her. 

Lisa with one of our boys.

I could never imagine another woman loving me like she did. To make my needs and wants her priority. To make the little things that I liked a big deal. She had the sweetest voice and the softest touch. She had one of those smiles that would light up a room. Today's probably not the best day for me to be writing on the internet. Anyway, I'm sitting here letting the memories get to me, and ...I guess that's ok. Maybe it's even healthy to do sometimes.

I'm thankful for 25 years we were together. 23 of those years, we were married. I'm thankful for the two sons she gave me. I'm thankful for all the laughter, the love, and for everything. 

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

Should I Grieve in Front of My Children?

Should I grieve in front of my children? I was texting with a friend, who's a social worker by profession, and a widow. She's someone who offered support early on, and because of her own experience, I was extremely appreciative.

In our conversation, we were discussing how we can be fine one moment, and break down the next. Our emotions can be such a roller-coaster.... especially in the earlier times of grieving. I mentioned that I felt I showed too much emotion in front of my children the night before. We were at the dinner table, and I teared up thinking about our loss, and the great unknown of our future.

She really provided some clarity for me concerning this. She assured me that it's ok to cry in front of the children. Hiding our emotions from them is a mistake. Our crying and emotions give them permission to cry and show their emotions. Wow! I couldn't see that before she pointed it out. My instinct was to be strong for my kids. I wanted them to feel safe, secure, and that everything is going to be ok. I wanted to display for them that no matter what, Dad has this and will take care of them. But I was wrong.

Your children need to know that their feelings are valid. Displaying your own honest emotions gives them that needed validation, and it serves as a non-verbal permission slip to deal with loss in their own unique way. 

I have to keep in mind that I'm not the only one hurting. My boys lost their mother. I think of my own mother, and the role she's played in every phase of my life. I suddenly realize that my boys will not experience that from this point forward. It hurts me deeply to know that they will have to rely on me and other people for those things a mother usually gives.

If you're reading this, I know the fears and uncertainty all too well. I feel it every single day. Remember, strength is not putting on your tough face. Strength is being real, and being there. Being present for the kids. That's the best thing you can give them. Hang in there, they need you and you need them.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony