Should I Grieve in Front of My Children?

Should I grieve in front of my children? I was texting with a friend, who's a social worker by profession, and a widow. She's someone who offered support early on, and because of her own experience, I was extremely appreciative.

In our conversation, we were discussing how we can be fine one moment, and break down the next. Our emotions can be such a roller-coaster.... especially in the earlier times of grieving. I mentioned that I felt I showed too much emotion in front of my children the night before. We were at the dinner table, and I teared up thinking about our loss, and the great unknown of our future.

She really provided some clarity for me concerning this. She assured me that it's ok to cry in front of the children. Hiding our emotions from them is a mistake. Our crying and emotions give them permission to cry and show their emotions. Wow! I couldn't see that before she pointed it out. My instinct was to be strong for my kids. I wanted them to feel safe, secure, and that everything is going to be ok. I wanted to display for them that no matter what, Dad has this and will take care of them. But I was wrong.

Your children need to know that their feelings are valid. Displaying your own honest emotions gives them that needed validation, and it serves as a non-verbal permission slip to deal with loss in their own unique way. 

I have to keep in mind that I'm not the only one hurting. My boys lost their mother. I think of my own mother, and the role she's played in every phase of my life. I suddenly realize that my boys will not experience that from this point forward. It hurts me deeply to know that they will have to rely on me and other people for those things a mother usually gives.

If you're reading this, I know the fears and uncertainty all too well. I feel it every single day. Remember, strength is not putting on your tough face. Strength is being real, and being there. Being present for the kids. That's the best thing you can give them. Hang in there, they need you and you need them.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony