Being around others who are married is just a reminder of what I once had. Going anywhere with a couple, automatically puts me in the role of 3rd wheel. And the pity. Oh, the pity is another thing. Everyone means well, and are trying to be sensitive, but I can feel their pity for me. As appreciative as I am, it's bad energy.
Even those happy moments in my children's lives are bitter sweet. No matter the joy I feel for them, every event has a cloud over head. I think "too bad she's not here to see this", or "she would be so proud of him". Everything in my life at this point is underneath that cloud. No matter how wonderful, or how mundane.
What really sucks, is laying in bed at night alone. Just a pillow where she used to lay.
I'm not to the point I'm able to dream of the future. All those past dreams and plans, are extremely distant. Completely foreign now. I have no desire for the things I once wanted. The whole point was to do those things with her. Without her here, I'm not sure what I want. I do know I want to move forward, whatever that means. Not "move on", but "move forward". In my mind there's a difference.
I think for me, moving forward means understanding that Lisa's life was exactly what it was supposed to be. She spent the time here that was meant for her to spend. It feels to me like she was robbed of time, but maybe that was her story all along. That's hard to imagine, but it's the only thing that I can wrap my mind around. I'm thankful I had many years to share with her. Now, I'm gonna climb up from my one man pity party and get stuff done. I'll choose to set my mind on productive things. I'll push away the negative thoughts that try to creep in, and attack my confidence. I must maintain a sense of purpose.
No matter what, don't give up.
Anthony
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