What's the Correct Way to Respond to Loss?

What is the correct way to respond to loss after losing your soul mate?

I'll speak from experience and say that in that time, there's no deciding how to respond. The response that comes is the only one.

I remember seeing a couple I know in town one day only months after losing my wife. They are a generation older than me, and their marriage to each other is their second marriages because they both lost their first spouses years before. They asked me how I was making it? I still don't know how to answer that question. But, I told them I was doing ok, and that I was keeping myself busy. I shared that I didn't think it would probably be good for me to lock myself away and draw the shades. Their response really made me think. They said, you just have to do what you can, because it's different for everybody. 

That made a lot of sense to me. We're all different people. Why in the world would we be expected to respond to such a life altering event in some certain way? I have enough on my mind, that other's expectations of me are not at play here.

Not only did it make sense, but I truly appreciated hearing that. It gave me a new way of thinking about loss. I knew I had to be stable to take care of my children. Life is continuing on, so I've got to be able to continue managing my life. But aside from those things, I get to call the shots here.

Now a time comes, that we must put things in their proper perspective for our own mental health. That's a whole other subject that I'll discuss at a later date. 

If you've recently lost her, I want to encourage you to hang in there. It's been almost two years since my wife passed away, and in some ways it still seems like it was last week. In other ways, I'm able to put the pain and longing aside and feel grateful for those years that we spent together. I realize that I don't have to be bitter. Bitterness will only make our lives worse. Through bitterness, the only person we punish is ourselves. So be encouraged, because as bad as things are, you will learn to deal with it better as time passes. Time does not heal all wounds, but time affords us the ability to work out how to live with those wounds.

No matter what, never give up.

Anthony

Being Alone Sucks and So Does Pity

Warning: this is a bit of a rant. Next month will be the 2 year mark for me, since losing Lisa. I haven't been on a date, and I'm not sure what I want in those terms. But I can tell you this, being alone sucks. 

Being around others who are married is just a reminder of what I once had. Going anywhere with a couple, automatically puts me in the role of 3rd wheel. And the pity. Oh, the pity is another thing. Everyone means well, and are trying to be sensitive, but I can feel their pity for me. As appreciative as I am, it's bad energy. 

Even those happy moments in my children's lives are bitter sweet. No matter the joy I feel for them, every event has a cloud over head. I think "too bad she's not here to see this", or "she would be so proud of him". Everything in my life at this point is underneath that cloud. No matter how wonderful, or how mundane.

What really sucks, is laying in bed at night alone. Just a pillow where she used to lay. 

I'm not to the point I'm able to dream of the future. All those past dreams and plans, are extremely distant. Completely foreign now. I have no desire for the things I once wanted. The whole point was to do those things with her. Without her here, I'm not sure what I want. I do know I want to move forward, whatever that means. Not "move on", but "move forward". In my mind there's a difference. 

I think for me, moving forward means understanding that Lisa's life was exactly what it was supposed to be. She spent the time here that was meant for her to spend. It feels to me like she was robbed of time, but maybe that was her story all along. That's hard to imagine, but it's the only thing that I can wrap my mind around. I'm thankful I had many years to share with her. Now, I'm gonna climb up from my one man pity party and get stuff done. I'll choose to set my mind on productive things. I'll push away the negative thoughts that try to creep in, and attack my confidence. I must maintain a sense of purpose.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

When the Support Slows Down

Perhaps one of the most difficult periods in the grieving process, is roughly 3-6 months following loss. All the texts, calls, and other positive support begins to slow down. People in our lives return to their normal daily routines, but not us. We have to figure out how to establish new daily norms and routines in our lives. The world looks and feels so different now to us, but we must keep moving forward.

I believe this period is critical to our well being. Based on my on experience, it's important to establish daily routines that point us in a healthy direction. It would be so easy to fall into destructive patterns, and it would be easy to take advantage of the fact that our friends and family members are less likely to call us on it during this time. They know that we're in pain, and they don't want to do anything to make it worse. 

But don't do it. You're already having to live with this huge hole in your heart, don't add new regrets on top of it.

For me, I still have my boys at home to take care of. My mission was to be strong for them, learn how to manage the house, and ensure that their needs were met in every way. It wasn't that I knew nothing of these things, but that doesn't mean I was always the one doing them, right? Lisa cooked the far majority of our meals, she did the far majority of the laundry, she did most of the cleaning in our home. And that's not even mentioning grocery shopping, helping the kids with homework, etc. I already knew how to do all those tasks(at least somewhat), but learning when to do them to keep the environment running smoothly is another thing. But I felt that was important for me and for my children. 

I would also suggest having people around you is important. To isolate yourself is a tempting, but huge mistake. When we spend too much time alone during periods of intense grief, our mind can play tricks on us. Things can become less clear. Things we hold important can seem unimportant. We can easily convince ourselves that nobody cares about us. That's a lie. Don't fall victim to it.

I'm fortunate to have a loving church family, that consistently ask me what my needs are. A group such as this is invaluable. Wherever you find support, be careful to maintain your end of those relationships by always being reasonable, being careful not to take advantage of anyones sympathy.

Be encouraged, your life is not over. It may look different now, but it's not over. It's a new chapter.

Not matter what, never give up.

Anthony

Introduction | Short Bio

My name is Anthony, and I'm a widower. Two years later, I still hate the sound of that, and I prefer not to say it. However, it is the reality of my life. I was married for 23 years, and have two sons who both are still school aged children.

Anthony

To say that was a blow to our family is such an understatement. This event presented a type of pain and longing to me that I can't really describe. I've accepted that it will always be there, though I pray that the burden will ease as time goes on. So many nights I've sat alone, absolutely overcome by despair. I'm appreciative of the articles I've read online, as well as the forum entries that have helped give clarity to my current state of being. Hopefully, through this site, I can help others going through a similar situation. 

I make no claims of having formal training to deal with grief and loss, but I have experienced the bitter realities of losing the most important person in my life. The struggles are real.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony