Learning to Be Alone After Loss

Sitting in an empty room feels different after this huge loss. Everything feels different, but being alone especially does to me.

I have two children at home most of the time. They are generally off in their own spaces, doing their own thing. I find myself too often sitting alone in my living room.

I turn the TV on, but I can't really watch it. My mind is jumping around from one thing to the next too much to focus and concentrate on a television program.

Knowing this feeling so well for the past two years, makes me really feel for the older generation who live alone. I've always assumed they feel extremely lonely after their spouse dies, but now I have a more personal knowledge how they must feel.

This Helps

It helps me to not sit still for too long. Although I love the idea of being able to sit and read, it just isn't working for me right now.

I've found that cleaning, straightening, and organizing helps me. I think more clearly when I'm busy, and the stuff needs to be done anyway. 

Household chores never seem to stop. So far, that's been my solution for coping with being alone.

I'm not alone all the time. When we can work around current concerns with the pandemic, I still go to church regularly. I spend time with my children and other family.

A New Relationship?

One day, I hope to find love again.

At first, I couldn't imagine being with anyone else, and loving somebody else. But time is changing how I think about this. 

People have needs. And I'm not talking only about the physical. I have a need to be loved, and cared for. I have a need to be wanted. I have a need to give love, and to take care of someone. I have a need to look forward to coming home to someone I love. I can admit that, without sounding un-masculine.

I'm moving very slowly concerning this for a reason. I don't want to try and use a woman to fill my loneliness. I think having someone would help, but I don't want to go into a relationship with the wrong motives.

I can only wait and see what the future holds. I suppose all of us have to do that.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

I Can't Stand the Phrase 'New Normal'

How many times have you heard someone say the words 'new normal' in relation to the COVID pandemic? I've heard it a lot. And I don't like it.

Part of the reason I don't like it is because it seems as if it's accepting the thought that we may be wearing masks every time we're in public from now on. I don't want to live like that. So, I'm not going to say things that support it. I know, crazy, huh?

Anyway, there's another reason I don't like it. That's because since I've faced losing my significant other, I've had to adapt to a new normal. If you're reading this, chances are that you have too. And you know exactly where I'm coming from.

My New Normal

What does that term mean to me? New normal is a broad term to me. It means not seeing her beautiful face every day. It means not hearing her beautiful voice. It means not having her to build me up and help me believe in myself. 

It means going to bed and waking up alone. It means washing my own clothes. It means cooking. It means helping the kids with their homework. It means grocery shopping. It means cleaning the house. It means trying to do the things that she always took care of, and I never had to think about.

It means facing a future that I can't even dream about. A future, when I currently can't imagine past tomorrow.

Embracing Reality

As difficult as it is, I've come to the part in this journey where I have to take a few steps forward. I have to stop looking at everything in the context of how much different it would be if she were still here.

I have to try and accept the fact that I may be alone the rest of my life. I truly miss my wife for who she was, but I also miss her companionship. I miss her affection. I miss her smile and her laugh.

It's hard to wrap my mind around the possibility of living 3 or 4 more decades, and being alone. It's a lonely feeling for sure.

So yes, life has become a new kind of normal for me, and not by choice. That's why I can't stand the phrase.

I know there are other men out there going through what I'm going through. I don't know how many may have found their way to this website. If you're reading this, I wish you the best. It's my sincere hope that something I write on this site will be helpful to someone.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

How and When to Part with Her Clothes and Jewelry

How and when should I part with my late wife's things, especially her clothes and jewelry? 

Let me start by saying this is much harder for some men, than it is for others. This is a very difficult thing for me.

Some have told me along the way, that if I pass those things on to someone who can use them, I'll be helping others as well as helping myself to move forward and feel better.

I wish it were that easy. Two years later, I still have all of her clothes and jewelry. After the first couple of months, I did move them out of my bedroom closet, and put them out of my daily view. 

Let the Process Take Place

Some widow's and widower's try to do this right away. However, other's believe that this can be a mistake. Some of us feel completely numb after losing our spouse, and while we may feel like getting those possessions out of the way is good, we can experience regret once our emotions start to calm and the dust has begun to settle.

I found looking at her clothes, and smelling them, and touching them to be calming for a time. I could still smell here perfume on her jacket. While that sounds sad on one hand, I was sure thankful for it at the time.

When I moved them out of the bedroom closet, I stored her shoes and sweaters in plastic storage bins. I have her hanging clothes in another closet in my home. Although a couple years have passed, I still consider this a temporary solution.

A Deeper Look

Here's my take: Holding on to these things for a time is normal and healthy. We as men know that the time will come when we must say goodbye, so that we can move into our next phase of life. Only we can decide when that time is. Personally, I'll not let other people decide that for me.

When the time comes to see another woman and try dating, that seems like a good clue that the time to part with these items has come.

Other people will just have to understand that this is a psychological process we're going through. There are few things, if any, that can change our lives to the degree of losing our soulmate. I've mentioned it in an earlier post, but our minds have to come to terms with this huge change, and it can trick us in many ways. Guilt and regret can wiggle their way in if we let them. We must keep our minds on positive things.

I know it's not easy. I know this, because it's not easy for me either. I think we just have to be careful that we're grieving in a way that's healthy and non-destructive. When our wives passed away, we didn't initially have any control over how we grieved. But the time comes when we have to decide if we'll do our best to find happiness and satisfaction under this cloud of loss, or if we'll let it completely engulf us.

Conclusion

I loved my wife more than life itself. There's no question about that. I don't want to use her death to justify me laying down and letting grief steal the remainder of my life. Although I can't always feel it, I have other things to live for. Good things. I have two sons who need me now more than they ever did. I will move forward and be the best dad that I can.

Please gentlemen, no matter what, don't give up,

Anthony

Dreaming Her Presence | Waking Up to Reality

Sometimes our dreams are extremely vivid and life-like, while at other times they're not even memorable. Experiencing her presence in your dreams can be wonderful, while waking up to the reality that she's gone is not. 

I've had a number of these dreams. I have dreamt of us on vacation with our kids, and it seemed SO real. 

The sight, sound, and emotion was as if I were physically there. I could literally hear her voice, using phrases she often used when speaking. In those moments, I experience what feels like true rest and comfort.

Am I the Only One?

Have you ever had those dreams? Where you wake up feeling that what you dreamed really happened? 

As adults, we generally don't discuss what we dream about.. But these dreams can almost give us the feeling that we have had another experience with our loved one. While we know it's not real, we sometimes long to go back to sleep and re-enter that dream, right where we left off. It's as if it puts us in a state of euphoria.

Waking up from such dreams can spark our emotions. I have woke from this type of dream, feeling stunned, realizing that my beautiful wife is gone. It's almost as if I've just learned this truth for the first time, and in the moment, feel complete horror. 

I have also woken knowing the reality, wishing and hoping it was all a bad dream.

The Re-Shaping of Our Subconscious

I've spent time thinking about this, and believe this is part of our subconscious mind's process. I think we have to realize that our mind has to work things out and adjust to the deep sadness we feel, and the traumatic experience of loss. 

Although we know the truth, and accept it as the truth on the surface, our subconscious still has to reshape and adjust. 

Embracing Our Dreams

We already know that our dreams don't represent reality. They may represent what we wish was reality, at times? When reality, emotion, and our desire for how we wish things were are mixed together in our dreams, anything can happen. Especially because of our emotions, which are up and down like a roller-coaster.

Personally, I look forward to these dreams. Even though waking up can bring sadness, the joy of the experience makes it worth it for me. I'm willing to feel the sadness when I wake up, if I can hear her voice again, even if it's only in my head. 

I feel as if my memories of the smallest details are brought to the surface.  I know these dreams probably won't last forever. As time has passed, they've become less frequent. I cherish every memory, as I'm sure you do as well. 

You're Not Alone

Be encouraged. Embrace your memories, both the wonderful, and the not so great ones. Focus on the wonderful ones. Know that even though you may feel lonely, you're not alone. There are others going through it too. It's not easy, but you've got to keep looking forward.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony