How and When to Part with Her Clothes and Jewelry

How and when should I part with my late wife's things, especially her clothes and jewelry? 

Let me start by saying this is much harder for some men, than it is for others. This is a very difficult thing for me.

Some have told me along the way, that if I pass those things on to someone who can use them, I'll be helping others as well as helping myself to move forward and feel better.

I wish it were that easy. Two years later, I still have all of her clothes and jewelry. After the first couple of months, I did move them out of my bedroom closet, and put them out of my daily view. 

Let the Process Take Place

Some widow's and widower's try to do this right away. However, other's believe that this can be a mistake. Some of us feel completely numb after losing our spouse, and while we may feel like getting those possessions out of the way is good, we can experience regret once our emotions start to calm and the dust has begun to settle.

I found looking at her clothes, and smelling them, and touching them to be calming for a time. I could still smell here perfume on her jacket. While that sounds sad on one hand, I was sure thankful for it at the time.

When I moved them out of the bedroom closet, I stored her shoes and sweaters in plastic storage bins. I have her hanging clothes in another closet in my home. Although a couple years have passed, I still consider this a temporary solution.

A Deeper Look

Here's my take: Holding on to these things for a time is normal and healthy. We as men know that the time will come when we must say goodbye, so that we can move into our next phase of life. Only we can decide when that time is. Personally, I'll not let other people decide that for me.

When the time comes to see another woman and try dating, that seems like a good clue that the time to part with these items has come.

Other people will just have to understand that this is a psychological process we're going through. There are few things, if any, that can change our lives to the degree of losing our soulmate. I've mentioned it in an earlier post, but our minds have to come to terms with this huge change, and it can trick us in many ways. Guilt and regret can wiggle their way in if we let them. We must keep our minds on positive things.

I know it's not easy. I know this, because it's not easy for me either. I think we just have to be careful that we're grieving in a way that's healthy and non-destructive. When our wives passed away, we didn't initially have any control over how we grieved. But the time comes when we have to decide if we'll do our best to find happiness and satisfaction under this cloud of loss, or if we'll let it completely engulf us.

Conclusion

I loved my wife more than life itself. There's no question about that. I don't want to use her death to justify me laying down and letting grief steal the remainder of my life. Although I can't always feel it, I have other things to live for. Good things. I have two sons who need me now more than they ever did. I will move forward and be the best dad that I can.

Please gentlemen, no matter what, don't give up,

Anthony

Dreaming Her Presence | Waking Up to Reality

Sometimes our dreams are extremely vivid and life-like, while at other times they're not even memorable. Experiencing her presence in your dreams can be wonderful, while waking up to the reality that she's gone is not. 

I've had a number of these dreams. I have dreamt of us on vacation with our kids, and it seemed SO real. 

The sight, sound, and emotion was as if I were physically there. I could literally hear her voice, using phrases she often used when speaking. In those moments, I experience what feels like true rest and comfort.

Am I the Only One?

Have you ever had those dreams? Where you wake up feeling that what you dreamed really happened? 

As adults, we generally don't discuss what we dream about.. But these dreams can almost give us the feeling that we have had another experience with our loved one. While we know it's not real, we sometimes long to go back to sleep and re-enter that dream, right where we left off. It's as if it puts us in a state of euphoria.

Waking up from such dreams can spark our emotions. I have woke from this type of dream, feeling stunned, realizing that my beautiful wife is gone. It's almost as if I've just learned this truth for the first time, and in the moment, feel complete horror. 

I have also woken knowing the reality, wishing and hoping it was all a bad dream.

The Re-Shaping of Our Subconscious

I've spent time thinking about this, and believe this is part of our subconscious mind's process. I think we have to realize that our mind has to work things out and adjust to the deep sadness we feel, and the traumatic experience of loss. 

Although we know the truth, and accept it as the truth on the surface, our subconscious still has to reshape and adjust. 

Embracing Our Dreams

We already know that our dreams don't represent reality. They may represent what we wish was reality, at times? When reality, emotion, and our desire for how we wish things were are mixed together in our dreams, anything can happen. Especially because of our emotions, which are up and down like a roller-coaster.

Personally, I look forward to these dreams. Even though waking up can bring sadness, the joy of the experience makes it worth it for me. I'm willing to feel the sadness when I wake up, if I can hear her voice again, even if it's only in my head. 

I feel as if my memories of the smallest details are brought to the surface.  I know these dreams probably won't last forever. As time has passed, they've become less frequent. I cherish every memory, as I'm sure you do as well. 

You're Not Alone

Be encouraged. Embrace your memories, both the wonderful, and the not so great ones. Focus on the wonderful ones. Know that even though you may feel lonely, you're not alone. There are others going through it too. It's not easy, but you've got to keep looking forward.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

How Does Your Relationship with In-Laws Change After Losing Your Spouse?

How does your relationship with your in-laws change after losing your spouse? There is no standard answer, because perhaps it's different for everybody. It depends so much on how close your relationship to them was when your spouse was alive.

The day my wife passed away, my in-laws immediately told me they loved me, and didn't want anything to change between us. They thanked me for always being there and taking care of my wife, and said they will always consider me family. I guess I'm very lucky in that regard, as I've read of others having different experiences and feelings about this.

Some may feel as though their ties to her family end after her death, but I was married for over 20 years, and I love her family. I've spent many holidays and other occasions with them over the years. Why should that change? For me, to cut them off would mean that they were never really important to me. They were important to her, so that's the only tie we have. That may be the connection at the beginning of the relationship, but that's not where I am today.

They lost their daughter and sister, just as I lost my wife, and my kids lost their mother. They have experienced deep pain through this overwhelming loss, similar to what I have experienced. It seems fitting to me that we still have something enormous to have a bond over. We'll continue to laugh together, cry together, and share important moments together as long as we can. As I said earlier, they're family.

If the time comes that I start dating, I'll re-evaluate things again at that time. My mother-in-law has already given me her blessing to do whatever I feel I need to do to best take care of myself and my children. Yes, I am lucky in that regard.

No matter what happens, please don't give up.

Anthony

Guilt Is a Tricky Thing

Something I've experienced, and I believe to be common when losing a spouse, is feeling guilty about everything you do or feel. Guilt is a tricky thing.

My oldest son had a birthday six days after my wife passed away. I remember feeling guilty when we were with family and having cake. I caught myself smiling, and celebrating my son. From out of nowhere, guilt moved in. How could I be smiling? How dare I? She's gone, and if I'm already smiling, I must not have loved her as much as I thought I did!

This is a trick your mind will play on you. It will make you feel disgusted at yourself. And moments of happiness are not the only thing that will bring on a heavy load of guilt. Moving forward in any way can make you feel guilty and unsure if what you're doing is right.

I remember feeling guilty over many things. For instance, almost a year into our loss, I decided to move to a different house, with the encouragement of my extended family. This move brought us much closer to my parents and other family who would be able to help me get the boys where they needed to be, and it put the boys in what I believe to be a better school district. Although I never heard a negative word spoken about this move from anyone, I felt very guilty. I felt like if my wife knew what I was doing, I would be ashamed. The guilt was not so much about the house we were moving to, but more about the one we were leaving behind. It was the house where we lived the majority of our married life. It was the only house my children had ever lived in. My mind was telling me that I was leaving all those memories behind.

Basically, anytime I experienced happy moments, or did anything good for myself or my children, guilt followed, because she was not getting to experience these things with us. 

This is completely irrational. I don't believe my mind was trying to trick me. I think the mind, after experiencing such a traumatic event, is trying to compute it's response. It's trying to grab ahold of anything that will be congruent with it's wounds. It's looking for justification. I felt guilty for wanting to live a long life and watch my kids grow up, when she didn't have the chance. My mind was telling me that we were leaving her behind, when in reality, we're the ones left behind. Not to get overly spiritual, she finished her time here on this earth. We are left behind to finish ours.

If I had only done things that didn't give me any pause, I would've never left the house. I couldn't enjoy anything on tv, I couldn't engage in any enjoyable activity. I had to realize that it was all in relation to the trauma of loss. 

As time has gone on, the guilty feelings have faded. Not that they're gone, but they're more in the background now. If you're experiencing these guilty feelings, realize that it's just your minds way of working things out. I'm not suggestng that nothing should ever make you feel guilty, but I'm talking about things like smiling, laughing, enjoyment of anything. You must hang on, and trust that things will become more clear after a little time passes. Time may not heal your wounds, but your days will get easier to get through.

Whatever you do, hang in there and don't give up.

Anthony