Today has Been Two Years

Lillies were Lisa's favorite flower.

Today has been two years since Lisa left this world, and my boys and I have done our best to pick up the pieces and carry on. 

Just the fact that life doesn't slow down for these times of reflection, is sad in and of itself. I think of all the other men and women who've lost their significant other, and realize for so long I was on the other side of the equation. After the initial acknowledgement that someone dies, we generally just carry on with life. What else would we do? It's really our only choice.

I've felt this day coming for the past few weeks. To be honest, I keep track of how many months it's been every time the 21st of the month rolls around. Today just happens to be #24. She died the day before Thanksgiving. I'm writing this blog to offer support to others, and yet there are a number of unresolved issues in my own journey through this nightmare.

My God, how I loved her. 

Lisa with one of our boys.

I could never imagine another woman loving me like she did. To make my needs and wants her priority. To make the little things that I liked a big deal. She had the sweetest voice and the softest touch. She had one of those smiles that would light up a room. Today's probably not the best day for me to be writing on the internet. Anyway, I'm sitting here letting the memories get to me, and ...I guess that's ok. Maybe it's even healthy to do sometimes.

I'm thankful for 25 years we were together. 23 of those years, we were married. I'm thankful for the two sons she gave me. I'm thankful for all the laughter, the love, and for everything. 

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

Should I Grieve in Front of My Children?

Should I grieve in front of my children? I was texting with a friend, who's a social worker by profession, and a widow. She's someone who offered support early on, and because of her own experience, I was extremely appreciative.

In our conversation, we were discussing how we can be fine one moment, and break down the next. Our emotions can be such a roller-coaster.... especially in the earlier times of grieving. I mentioned that I felt I showed too much emotion in front of my children the night before. We were at the dinner table, and I teared up thinking about our loss, and the great unknown of our future.

She really provided some clarity for me concerning this. She assured me that it's ok to cry in front of the children. Hiding our emotions from them is a mistake. Our crying and emotions give them permission to cry and show their emotions. Wow! I couldn't see that before she pointed it out. My instinct was to be strong for my kids. I wanted them to feel safe, secure, and that everything is going to be ok. I wanted to display for them that no matter what, Dad has this and will take care of them. But I was wrong.

Your children need to know that their feelings are valid. Displaying your own honest emotions gives them that needed validation, and it serves as a non-verbal permission slip to deal with loss in their own unique way. 

I have to keep in mind that I'm not the only one hurting. My boys lost their mother. I think of my own mother, and the role she's played in every phase of my life. I suddenly realize that my boys will not experience that from this point forward. It hurts me deeply to know that they will have to rely on me and other people for those things a mother usually gives.

If you're reading this, I know the fears and uncertainty all too well. I feel it every single day. Remember, strength is not putting on your tough face. Strength is being real, and being there. Being present for the kids. That's the best thing you can give them. Hang in there, they need you and you need them.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

What's the Correct Way to Respond to Loss?

What is the correct way to respond to loss after losing your soul mate?

I'll speak from experience and say that in that time, there's no deciding how to respond. The response that comes is the only one.

I remember seeing a couple I know in town one day only months after losing my wife. They are a generation older than me, and their marriage to each other is their second marriages because they both lost their first spouses years before. They asked me how I was making it? I still don't know how to answer that question. But, I told them I was doing ok, and that I was keeping myself busy. I shared that I didn't think it would probably be good for me to lock myself away and draw the shades. Their response really made me think. They said, you just have to do what you can, because it's different for everybody. 

That made a lot of sense to me. We're all different people. Why in the world would we be expected to respond to such a life altering event in some certain way? I have enough on my mind, that other's expectations of me are not at play here.

Not only did it make sense, but I truly appreciated hearing that. It gave me a new way of thinking about loss. I knew I had to be stable to take care of my children. Life is continuing on, so I've got to be able to continue managing my life. But aside from those things, I get to call the shots here.

Now a time comes, that we must put things in their proper perspective for our own mental health. That's a whole other subject that I'll discuss at a later date. 

If you've recently lost her, I want to encourage you to hang in there. It's been almost two years since my wife passed away, and in some ways it still seems like it was last week. In other ways, I'm able to put the pain and longing aside and feel grateful for those years that we spent together. I realize that I don't have to be bitter. Bitterness will only make our lives worse. Through bitterness, the only person we punish is ourselves. So be encouraged, because as bad as things are, you will learn to deal with it better as time passes. Time does not heal all wounds, but time affords us the ability to work out how to live with those wounds.

No matter what, never give up.

Anthony

Being Alone Sucks and So Does Pity

Warning: this is a bit of a rant. Next month will be the 2 year mark for me, since losing Lisa. I haven't been on a date, and I'm not sure what I want in those terms. But I can tell you this, being alone sucks. 

Being around others who are married is just a reminder of what I once had. Going anywhere with a couple, automatically puts me in the role of 3rd wheel. And the pity. Oh, the pity is another thing. Everyone means well, and are trying to be sensitive, but I can feel their pity for me. As appreciative as I am, it's bad energy. 

Even those happy moments in my children's lives are bitter sweet. No matter the joy I feel for them, every event has a cloud over head. I think "too bad she's not here to see this", or "she would be so proud of him". Everything in my life at this point is underneath that cloud. No matter how wonderful, or how mundane.

What really sucks, is laying in bed at night alone. Just a pillow where she used to lay. 

I'm not to the point I'm able to dream of the future. All those past dreams and plans, are extremely distant. Completely foreign now. I have no desire for the things I once wanted. The whole point was to do those things with her. Without her here, I'm not sure what I want. I do know I want to move forward, whatever that means. Not "move on", but "move forward". In my mind there's a difference. 

I think for me, moving forward means understanding that Lisa's life was exactly what it was supposed to be. She spent the time here that was meant for her to spend. It feels to me like she was robbed of time, but maybe that was her story all along. That's hard to imagine, but it's the only thing that I can wrap my mind around. I'm thankful I had many years to share with her. Now, I'm gonna climb up from my one man pity party and get stuff done. I'll choose to set my mind on productive things. I'll push away the negative thoughts that try to creep in, and attack my confidence. I must maintain a sense of purpose.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony