Learning to Be Alone After Loss

Sitting in an empty room feels different after this huge loss. Everything feels different, but being alone especially does to me.

I have two children at home most of the time. They are generally off in their own spaces, doing their own thing. I find myself too often sitting alone in my living room.

I turn the TV on, but I can't really watch it. My mind is jumping around from one thing to the next too much to focus and concentrate on a television program.

Knowing this feeling so well for the past two years, makes me really feel for the older generation who live alone. I've always assumed they feel extremely lonely after their spouse dies, but now I have a more personal knowledge how they must feel.

This Helps

It helps me to not sit still for too long. Although I love the idea of being able to sit and read, it just isn't working for me right now.

I've found that cleaning, straightening, and organizing helps me. I think more clearly when I'm busy, and the stuff needs to be done anyway. 

Household chores never seem to stop. So far, that's been my solution for coping with being alone.

I'm not alone all the time. When we can work around current concerns with the pandemic, I still go to church regularly. I spend time with my children and other family.

A New Relationship?

One day, I hope to find love again.

At first, I couldn't imagine being with anyone else, and loving somebody else. But time is changing how I think about this. 

People have needs. And I'm not talking only about the physical. I have a need to be loved, and cared for. I have a need to be wanted. I have a need to give love, and to take care of someone. I have a need to look forward to coming home to someone I love. I can admit that, without sounding un-masculine.

I'm moving very slowly concerning this for a reason. I don't want to try and use a woman to fill my loneliness. I think having someone would help, but I don't want to go into a relationship with the wrong motives.

I can only wait and see what the future holds. I suppose all of us have to do that.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

I Can't Stand the Phrase 'New Normal'

How many times have you heard someone say the words 'new normal' in relation to the COVID pandemic? I've heard it a lot. And I don't like it.

Part of the reason I don't like it is because it seems as if it's accepting the thought that we may be wearing masks every time we're in public from now on. I don't want to live like that. So, I'm not going to say things that support it. I know, crazy, huh?

Anyway, there's another reason I don't like it. That's because since I've faced losing my significant other, I've had to adapt to a new normal. If you're reading this, chances are that you have too. And you know exactly where I'm coming from.

My New Normal

What does that term mean to me? New normal is a broad term to me. It means not seeing her beautiful face every day. It means not hearing her beautiful voice. It means not having her to build me up and help me believe in myself. 

It means going to bed and waking up alone. It means washing my own clothes. It means cooking. It means helping the kids with their homework. It means grocery shopping. It means cleaning the house. It means trying to do the things that she always took care of, and I never had to think about.

It means facing a future that I can't even dream about. A future, when I currently can't imagine past tomorrow.

Embracing Reality

As difficult as it is, I've come to the part in this journey where I have to take a few steps forward. I have to stop looking at everything in the context of how much different it would be if she were still here.

I have to try and accept the fact that I may be alone the rest of my life. I truly miss my wife for who she was, but I also miss her companionship. I miss her affection. I miss her smile and her laugh.

It's hard to wrap my mind around the possibility of living 3 or 4 more decades, and being alone. It's a lonely feeling for sure.

So yes, life has become a new kind of normal for me, and not by choice. That's why I can't stand the phrase.

I know there are other men out there going through what I'm going through. I don't know how many may have found their way to this website. If you're reading this, I wish you the best. It's my sincere hope that something I write on this site will be helpful to someone.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

How and When to Part with Her Clothes and Jewelry

How and when should I part with my late wife's things, especially her clothes and jewelry? 

Let me start by saying this is much harder for some men, than it is for others. This is a very difficult thing for me.

Some have told me along the way, that if I pass those things on to someone who can use them, I'll be helping others as well as helping myself to move forward and feel better.

I wish it were that easy. Two years later, I still have all of her clothes and jewelry. After the first couple of months, I did move them out of my bedroom closet, and put them out of my daily view. 

Let the Process Take Place

Some widow's and widower's try to do this right away. However, other's believe that this can be a mistake. Some of us feel completely numb after losing our spouse, and while we may feel like getting those possessions out of the way is good, we can experience regret once our emotions start to calm and the dust has begun to settle.

I found looking at her clothes, and smelling them, and touching them to be calming for a time. I could still smell here perfume on her jacket. While that sounds sad on one hand, I was sure thankful for it at the time.

When I moved them out of the bedroom closet, I stored her shoes and sweaters in plastic storage bins. I have her hanging clothes in another closet in my home. Although a couple years have passed, I still consider this a temporary solution.

A Deeper Look

Here's my take: Holding on to these things for a time is normal and healthy. We as men know that the time will come when we must say goodbye, so that we can move into our next phase of life. Only we can decide when that time is. Personally, I'll not let other people decide that for me.

When the time comes to see another woman and try dating, that seems like a good clue that the time to part with these items has come.

Other people will just have to understand that this is a psychological process we're going through. There are few things, if any, that can change our lives to the degree of losing our soulmate. I've mentioned it in an earlier post, but our minds have to come to terms with this huge change, and it can trick us in many ways. Guilt and regret can wiggle their way in if we let them. We must keep our minds on positive things.

I know it's not easy. I know this, because it's not easy for me either. I think we just have to be careful that we're grieving in a way that's healthy and non-destructive. When our wives passed away, we didn't initially have any control over how we grieved. But the time comes when we have to decide if we'll do our best to find happiness and satisfaction under this cloud of loss, or if we'll let it completely engulf us.

Conclusion

I loved my wife more than life itself. There's no question about that. I don't want to use her death to justify me laying down and letting grief steal the remainder of my life. Although I can't always feel it, I have other things to live for. Good things. I have two sons who need me now more than they ever did. I will move forward and be the best dad that I can.

Please gentlemen, no matter what, don't give up,

Anthony

Dreaming Her Presence | Waking Up to Reality

Sometimes our dreams are extremely vivid and life-like, while at other times they're not even memorable. Experiencing her presence in your dreams can be wonderful, while waking up to the reality that she's gone is not. 

I've had a number of these dreams. I have dreamt of us on vacation with our kids, and it seemed SO real. 

The sight, sound, and emotion was as if I were physically there. I could literally hear her voice, using phrases she often used when speaking. In those moments, I experience what feels like true rest and comfort.

Am I the Only One?

Have you ever had those dreams? Where you wake up feeling that what you dreamed really happened? 

As adults, we generally don't discuss what we dream about.. But these dreams can almost give us the feeling that we have had another experience with our loved one. While we know it's not real, we sometimes long to go back to sleep and re-enter that dream, right where we left off. It's as if it puts us in a state of euphoria.

Waking up from such dreams can spark our emotions. I have woke from this type of dream, feeling stunned, realizing that my beautiful wife is gone. It's almost as if I've just learned this truth for the first time, and in the moment, feel complete horror. 

I have also woken knowing the reality, wishing and hoping it was all a bad dream.

The Re-Shaping of Our Subconscious

I've spent time thinking about this, and believe this is part of our subconscious mind's process. I think we have to realize that our mind has to work things out and adjust to the deep sadness we feel, and the traumatic experience of loss. 

Although we know the truth, and accept it as the truth on the surface, our subconscious still has to reshape and adjust. 

Embracing Our Dreams

We already know that our dreams don't represent reality. They may represent what we wish was reality, at times? When reality, emotion, and our desire for how we wish things were are mixed together in our dreams, anything can happen. Especially because of our emotions, which are up and down like a roller-coaster.

Personally, I look forward to these dreams. Even though waking up can bring sadness, the joy of the experience makes it worth it for me. I'm willing to feel the sadness when I wake up, if I can hear her voice again, even if it's only in my head. 

I feel as if my memories of the smallest details are brought to the surface.  I know these dreams probably won't last forever. As time has passed, they've become less frequent. I cherish every memory, as I'm sure you do as well. 

You're Not Alone

Be encouraged. Embrace your memories, both the wonderful, and the not so great ones. Focus on the wonderful ones. Know that even though you may feel lonely, you're not alone. There are others going through it too. It's not easy, but you've got to keep looking forward.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

How Does Your Relationship with In-Laws Change After Losing Your Spouse?

How does your relationship with your in-laws change after losing your spouse? There is no standard answer, because perhaps it's different for everybody. It depends so much on how close your relationship to them was when your spouse was alive.

The day my wife passed away, my in-laws immediately told me they loved me, and didn't want anything to change between us. They thanked me for always being there and taking care of my wife, and said they will always consider me family. I guess I'm very lucky in that regard, as I've read of others having different experiences and feelings about this.

Some may feel as though their ties to her family end after her death, but I was married for over 20 years, and I love her family. I've spent many holidays and other occasions with them over the years. Why should that change? For me, to cut them off would mean that they were never really important to me. They were important to her, so that's the only tie we have. That may be the connection at the beginning of the relationship, but that's not where I am today.

They lost their daughter and sister, just as I lost my wife, and my kids lost their mother. They have experienced deep pain through this overwhelming loss, similar to what I have experienced. It seems fitting to me that we still have something enormous to have a bond over. We'll continue to laugh together, cry together, and share important moments together as long as we can. As I said earlier, they're family.

If the time comes that I start dating, I'll re-evaluate things again at that time. My mother-in-law has already given me her blessing to do whatever I feel I need to do to best take care of myself and my children. Yes, I am lucky in that regard.

No matter what happens, please don't give up.

Anthony

Guilt Is a Tricky Thing

Something I've experienced, and I believe to be common when losing a spouse, is feeling guilty about everything you do or feel. Guilt is a tricky thing.

My oldest son had a birthday six days after my wife passed away. I remember feeling guilty when we were with family and having cake. I caught myself smiling, and celebrating my son. From out of nowhere, guilt moved in. How could I be smiling? How dare I? She's gone, and if I'm already smiling, I must not have loved her as much as I thought I did!

This is a trick your mind will play on you. It will make you feel disgusted at yourself. And moments of happiness are not the only thing that will bring on a heavy load of guilt. Moving forward in any way can make you feel guilty and unsure if what you're doing is right.

I remember feeling guilty over many things. For instance, almost a year into our loss, I decided to move to a different house, with the encouragement of my extended family. This move brought us much closer to my parents and other family who would be able to help me get the boys where they needed to be, and it put the boys in what I believe to be a better school district. Although I never heard a negative word spoken about this move from anyone, I felt very guilty. I felt like if my wife knew what I was doing, I would be ashamed. The guilt was not so much about the house we were moving to, but more about the one we were leaving behind. It was the house where we lived the majority of our married life. It was the only house my children had ever lived in. My mind was telling me that I was leaving all those memories behind.

Basically, anytime I experienced happy moments, or did anything good for myself or my children, guilt followed, because she was not getting to experience these things with us. 

This is completely irrational. I don't believe my mind was trying to trick me. I think the mind, after experiencing such a traumatic event, is trying to compute it's response. It's trying to grab ahold of anything that will be congruent with it's wounds. It's looking for justification. I felt guilty for wanting to live a long life and watch my kids grow up, when she didn't have the chance. My mind was telling me that we were leaving her behind, when in reality, we're the ones left behind. Not to get overly spiritual, she finished her time here on this earth. We are left behind to finish ours.

If I had only done things that didn't give me any pause, I would've never left the house. I couldn't enjoy anything on tv, I couldn't engage in any enjoyable activity. I had to realize that it was all in relation to the trauma of loss. 

As time has gone on, the guilty feelings have faded. Not that they're gone, but they're more in the background now. If you're experiencing these guilty feelings, realize that it's just your minds way of working things out. I'm not suggestng that nothing should ever make you feel guilty, but I'm talking about things like smiling, laughing, enjoyment of anything. You must hang on, and trust that things will become more clear after a little time passes. Time may not heal your wounds, but your days will get easier to get through.

Whatever you do, hang in there and don't give up.

Anthony

Today has Been Two Years

Lillies were Lisa's favorite flower.

Today has been two years since Lisa left this world, and my boys and I have done our best to pick up the pieces and carry on. 

Just the fact that life doesn't slow down for these times of reflection, is sad in and of itself. I think of all the other men and women who've lost their significant other, and realize for so long I was on the other side of the equation. After the initial acknowledgement that someone dies, we generally just carry on with life. What else would we do? It's really our only choice.

I've felt this day coming for the past few weeks. To be honest, I keep track of how many months it's been every time the 21st of the month rolls around. Today just happens to be #24. She died the day before Thanksgiving. I'm writing this blog to offer support to others, and yet there are a number of unresolved issues in my own journey through this nightmare.

My God, how I loved her. 

Lisa with one of our boys.

I could never imagine another woman loving me like she did. To make my needs and wants her priority. To make the little things that I liked a big deal. She had the sweetest voice and the softest touch. She had one of those smiles that would light up a room. Today's probably not the best day for me to be writing on the internet. Anyway, I'm sitting here letting the memories get to me, and ...I guess that's ok. Maybe it's even healthy to do sometimes.

I'm thankful for 25 years we were together. 23 of those years, we were married. I'm thankful for the two sons she gave me. I'm thankful for all the laughter, the love, and for everything. 

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

Should I Grieve in Front of My Children?

Should I grieve in front of my children? I was texting with a friend, who's a social worker by profession, and a widow. She's someone who offered support early on, and because of her own experience, I was extremely appreciative.

In our conversation, we were discussing how we can be fine one moment, and break down the next. Our emotions can be such a roller-coaster.... especially in the earlier times of grieving. I mentioned that I felt I showed too much emotion in front of my children the night before. We were at the dinner table, and I teared up thinking about our loss, and the great unknown of our future.

She really provided some clarity for me concerning this. She assured me that it's ok to cry in front of the children. Hiding our emotions from them is a mistake. Our crying and emotions give them permission to cry and show their emotions. Wow! I couldn't see that before she pointed it out. My instinct was to be strong for my kids. I wanted them to feel safe, secure, and that everything is going to be ok. I wanted to display for them that no matter what, Dad has this and will take care of them. But I was wrong.

Your children need to know that their feelings are valid. Displaying your own honest emotions gives them that needed validation, and it serves as a non-verbal permission slip to deal with loss in their own unique way. 

I have to keep in mind that I'm not the only one hurting. My boys lost their mother. I think of my own mother, and the role she's played in every phase of my life. I suddenly realize that my boys will not experience that from this point forward. It hurts me deeply to know that they will have to rely on me and other people for those things a mother usually gives.

If you're reading this, I know the fears and uncertainty all too well. I feel it every single day. Remember, strength is not putting on your tough face. Strength is being real, and being there. Being present for the kids. That's the best thing you can give them. Hang in there, they need you and you need them.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

What's the Correct Way to Respond to Loss?

What is the correct way to respond to loss after losing your soul mate?

I'll speak from experience and say that in that time, there's no deciding how to respond. The response that comes is the only one.

I remember seeing a couple I know in town one day only months after losing my wife. They are a generation older than me, and their marriage to each other is their second marriages because they both lost their first spouses years before. They asked me how I was making it? I still don't know how to answer that question. But, I told them I was doing ok, and that I was keeping myself busy. I shared that I didn't think it would probably be good for me to lock myself away and draw the shades. Their response really made me think. They said, you just have to do what you can, because it's different for everybody. 

That made a lot of sense to me. We're all different people. Why in the world would we be expected to respond to such a life altering event in some certain way? I have enough on my mind, that other's expectations of me are not at play here.

Not only did it make sense, but I truly appreciated hearing that. It gave me a new way of thinking about loss. I knew I had to be stable to take care of my children. Life is continuing on, so I've got to be able to continue managing my life. But aside from those things, I get to call the shots here.

Now a time comes, that we must put things in their proper perspective for our own mental health. That's a whole other subject that I'll discuss at a later date. 

If you've recently lost her, I want to encourage you to hang in there. It's been almost two years since my wife passed away, and in some ways it still seems like it was last week. In other ways, I'm able to put the pain and longing aside and feel grateful for those years that we spent together. I realize that I don't have to be bitter. Bitterness will only make our lives worse. Through bitterness, the only person we punish is ourselves. So be encouraged, because as bad as things are, you will learn to deal with it better as time passes. Time does not heal all wounds, but time affords us the ability to work out how to live with those wounds.

No matter what, never give up.

Anthony

Being Alone Sucks and So Does Pity

Warning: this is a bit of a rant. Next month will be the 2 year mark for me, since losing Lisa. I haven't been on a date, and I'm not sure what I want in those terms. But I can tell you this, being alone sucks. 

Being around others who are married is just a reminder of what I once had. Going anywhere with a couple, automatically puts me in the role of 3rd wheel. And the pity. Oh, the pity is another thing. Everyone means well, and are trying to be sensitive, but I can feel their pity for me. As appreciative as I am, it's bad energy. 

Even those happy moments in my children's lives are bitter sweet. No matter the joy I feel for them, every event has a cloud over head. I think "too bad she's not here to see this", or "she would be so proud of him". Everything in my life at this point is underneath that cloud. No matter how wonderful, or how mundane.

What really sucks, is laying in bed at night alone. Just a pillow where she used to lay. 

I'm not to the point I'm able to dream of the future. All those past dreams and plans, are extremely distant. Completely foreign now. I have no desire for the things I once wanted. The whole point was to do those things with her. Without her here, I'm not sure what I want. I do know I want to move forward, whatever that means. Not "move on", but "move forward". In my mind there's a difference. 

I think for me, moving forward means understanding that Lisa's life was exactly what it was supposed to be. She spent the time here that was meant for her to spend. It feels to me like she was robbed of time, but maybe that was her story all along. That's hard to imagine, but it's the only thing that I can wrap my mind around. I'm thankful I had many years to share with her. Now, I'm gonna climb up from my one man pity party and get stuff done. I'll choose to set my mind on productive things. I'll push away the negative thoughts that try to creep in, and attack my confidence. I must maintain a sense of purpose.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony

When the Support Slows Down

Perhaps one of the most difficult periods in the grieving process, is roughly 3-6 months following loss. All the texts, calls, and other positive support begins to slow down. People in our lives return to their normal daily routines, but not us. We have to figure out how to establish new daily norms and routines in our lives. The world looks and feels so different now to us, but we must keep moving forward.

I believe this period is critical to our well being. Based on my on experience, it's important to establish daily routines that point us in a healthy direction. It would be so easy to fall into destructive patterns, and it would be easy to take advantage of the fact that our friends and family members are less likely to call us on it during this time. They know that we're in pain, and they don't want to do anything to make it worse. 

But don't do it. You're already having to live with this huge hole in your heart, don't add new regrets on top of it.

For me, I still have my boys at home to take care of. My mission was to be strong for them, learn how to manage the house, and ensure that their needs were met in every way. It wasn't that I knew nothing of these things, but that doesn't mean I was always the one doing them, right? Lisa cooked the far majority of our meals, she did the far majority of the laundry, she did most of the cleaning in our home. And that's not even mentioning grocery shopping, helping the kids with homework, etc. I already knew how to do all those tasks(at least somewhat), but learning when to do them to keep the environment running smoothly is another thing. But I felt that was important for me and for my children. 

I would also suggest having people around you is important. To isolate yourself is a tempting, but huge mistake. When we spend too much time alone during periods of intense grief, our mind can play tricks on us. Things can become less clear. Things we hold important can seem unimportant. We can easily convince ourselves that nobody cares about us. That's a lie. Don't fall victim to it.

I'm fortunate to have a loving church family, that consistently ask me what my needs are. A group such as this is invaluable. Wherever you find support, be careful to maintain your end of those relationships by always being reasonable, being careful not to take advantage of anyones sympathy.

Be encouraged, your life is not over. It may look different now, but it's not over. It's a new chapter.

Not matter what, never give up.

Anthony

Introduction | Short Bio

My name is Anthony, and I'm a widower. Two years later, I still hate the sound of that, and I prefer not to say it. However, it is the reality of my life. I was married for 23 years, and have two sons who both are still school aged children.

Anthony

To say that was a blow to our family is such an understatement. This event presented a type of pain and longing to me that I can't really describe. I've accepted that it will always be there, though I pray that the burden will ease as time goes on. So many nights I've sat alone, absolutely overcome by despair. I'm appreciative of the articles I've read online, as well as the forum entries that have helped give clarity to my current state of being. Hopefully, through this site, I can help others going through a similar situation. 

I make no claims of having formal training to deal with grief and loss, but I have experienced the bitter realities of losing the most important person in my life. The struggles are real.

No matter what, don't give up.

Anthony